|
Sunday, January 30, 2005
All plans, safeguards, policing and coercion are fruitless. We find that after years
of struggle that we do not take a trip; A trip takes us." - John Steinbeck
Although I'm not sure the exact reason why I did it, I ended up calling Mr. Clean about a week later asking him if he wanted some late night company; He said he did, and offered me directions to his place. Maybe I was just lonely or fucking horny or something - I dunno.. But I think the truth is that I wanted to see if I could get past the fact that he wasn't my type; I mean, don't get me wrong, he was a very good looking guy, but for some reason, I'd passed him over without a second look when we'd first met, and much as I didn't do it on purpose, it bothered me. Ok, I'll just say it.. I was afraid that I was only attracted to bad boys, and I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't, and that I'm not always superficial...
When I arrived at his place I was sort of suprised, I had expected your normal run of the mill apartment but instead his abode consisted of a huge living room, a small kitchen, one bathroom and really cool spiral staircase which led up to what was apparently an open loft; His taste in furniture was rather simple and a definite sign that he was a bachelor but at the same time very tasteful - reminding me of asian inspired homes I'd seen in movies and magazines. As we settled in the living room, I felt sort of childish for being there; Here I was talking to what seemed like a nice guy who might actually have his shit together, and the only reason I was there was to see if I could get his clothes off in the hopes that it might spark a tinge of intrest to crawl up my spine...
We sat on the couch talking for about ten minutes before he asked me if I was hungry: He said he'd just made a late dinner and wanted to know if I'd eat with him. Crap - as soon as he said it my stomach let out a growl; It had been a few hours since I'd ate last and as much as I hadn't thought about it, food sounded pretty damn good - So I said sure. When he came back from the kitchen, he handed me a huge bowl of pasta - Since when do bachelors make Grilled Chicken Fetticcini Alfredo? Maybe I could fall in love with this guy after all. Ok, maybe that was a joke, but I admit this guy could cook. As we talked over our bowls he asked if I'd seen Blade; He'd picked it up earlier that day and wanted to watch it; Oh I dig vampire movies...
Sitting back to watch a rubbered up Wesley Snipes, I started to relax just as my eyes started to itch; I dunno what the deal was, but something in this guys house set off my allergies... Rubbing my eyes, I tried not to irritate my contact lenses but it just got worse when I realized what it had to be.. and asked him if he had a cat. He said yea, it was probably hiding under the couch - Whispering oh shit, I ran for the bathroom to wash my hands and face, only to have him chase me in there asking whats wrong, where I had to explain to him that I'm terribly allergic to certain felines... As he jumped to my rescue by digging a box of benadryl out of his medicine cabinet I thanked him profusely, but unfortunately it was too late; My eyes started to swell shut...
This was not how I planned the night; Prior to my arrival, I never expected that
I would fall asleep on this poor guy's couch with a bag of ice on my face...
 06:11 am
Permalink
Saturday, January 29, 2005
" Consult your friend on all things, especially on those which respect yourself.
His counsel may be useful where your own self-love might impair your judgement."
- Seneca
Trying to skirt the fact that I was bitter with my mom for spreading my business through our family grapevine, I began dissappearing to my bestfriends house again; I needed a serious fucking break from my family. Of course my friend didn't mind, she was happy to see me; We hadn't talked since right before I'd aquired and quit my new job, but true to the nature of our friendship, we picked up where we last left off, as if we hadn't skipped a beat. There was no need to ask why we hadn't spoke to each other lately, because it really didn't matter; Without having to say it, we both knew that regardless of where we ended up in life, we'd always be friends. It never ceased to amaze me how that worked; It's not as if we ever sat down one day, like children, and said hey, will you be my bestfriend? - It was just the way things were. I'd definitely missed her...
As usual she was still hanging out with same crowd, including her upstairs neighbors, people we knew from the club, and often some of her brothers friends, most of whom had become a fixture at her place; Together, we'd all hang out, go clubbing, spend nights playing cards and on the weekends, if the weather was right.. we'd BBQ. It was during this time that I got to really know him...
The first time we met, I thought he looked like a black version of Mr. Clean; Kinda buff, he wore his head shaved and sported hoop earings.. Dressed in a dark shirt with cammando inspired pants, he fit the description my bestfriend had given me; She said he used to be a cop and at one point had been in the military, but when she'd met him he was working with her at the club as bouncer. Apparently he'd quit that job before I ever saw him there, and found a better one, but in the short time they worked together they became pretty good friends. Although I didn't know him very well, my bestfriend thought very highly of him and because of this we'd both invited him to the party I'd had a while back; He'd showed up and got pretty wasted that night, but we hardly talked at all then, because he was a friend of a friend, and I had other people there to entertain. But this would soon change...
There were a bunch of us there that night, playing cards and getting drunk at my bestfriends appartment, when the topic of sex came up; I don't remember who started it, but someone had started talking about famous people they would like to hump. As we all took turns crooning over our dream lay's Mr. Clean admitted that he had a thing for Rosanne Barr - Of course everyone burst out in laughter; Of all the famous women in this world, I just don't think any of us expected him to pick her. As we gave him an opportunity to elaborate, he instead went on to say he also wanted to hump the actress who played Xena - Warrior Princess; This of course sent everyone at the table into hysterics... It was almost impossible to imagine him getting it on with that chick - Her character came off as an Amazon, and this guy was only about 5'7.... Of course no one failed to let that fact go unnoticed and we all teased him about how she would probably squish him like a bug, he grinned really big and winked at me saying that he had a thing for tall women. Of course, that topic of conversation tapered off and I didn't think much of it at the time, but I would learn later that night, what that facial tick was all about...
He was leaving and everyone else was staying to play cards; Passing out a round of hugs, he slipped my bestfriend a piece of paper and walked out the door. Watching this exchange out of the corner of my eye over the cards in my hand, I didn't have the slightest clue that it was his telephone number, until my bestfriend slid it across the table to me saying I'd better call him. Making bug eyes, I asked her for what? She laughed at me and then said, woman, he's had a crush on you for a while now. Woops. Boy did I never see that one coming. I didn't know what the hell to say to that; I'd never looked at the guy in a sexual or romantic light - He wasn't my type. Of course, my bestfriend quickly deciphered the stupified look on my face and warned me that I'd better not brush this guy off, he had a good job, his own place, liked kids, and had a clean criminal history - He was everything that my daughters father was not. Now normally I might have been a little ticked off with the reference to my ex, but this was my bestfriend, and I knew that she meant no insult...
She was just trying to fix me up with someone, who she thought was a really nice;
Even though I didn't want to admit it, she was right, I was too superficial...
05:39 am
Permalink
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that
but really great ones make you feel that you too, can become great. - Mark Twain
Growing up an Army brat, taught me a hard lesson of how to adapt to change in life, but one of the things it didn't teach me was how to deal with nosey ass relatives who aren't a part of your normal everyday routine, yet still feel that they know you well enough to judge you. Now, I understand that my mom is the baby of 7 children, and that her family shares this strong bond where they have to pick up a phone to talk to each other every day, and that I find it hard to relate to this sort of thing because I didn't grow up in that environment, but still... Did she really have to call up my fucking hypocritical, bitch-ass aunt to tell her that I quit my job after only working there a month? I mean, come on....
Although I know my mom doesn't mean any harm by it, she drives me insane, because she has a terrible habit of telling other people my business; Often times, she will say things, to her siblings in passing conversation which somehow always has a way of getting taken out of context, or completely turned around, or used as a means to paint me in a bad light - Most of this can be written off as just her poor communication skills... But then.. there is my aunt. Only a year older than mother... she couldn't be anymore different from her baby sister ; She's a fucking royal cunt. Somehow, she has this amazing ability, to take anything bad that happens in other peoples lives, and find a way.. to compare it to her life, and then recant your missfortunes to everyone else who will listen in a way that she really believes, makes herself look better. Which leads me to think of her as the queen of the secret-two-faced-shit-talking-network that runs through our family... And as much as I'm supposed to love her, I cannot stand the woman.
So needless to say, I was fucking fuming the day my grandmother called me to cuss me out because she heard through the grapevine that I was umemployed again; As if somehow I was the only person in our family without a job? Gee, I sure hope she gives these same lectures out to my mom and my sorry-ass aunt who were both jobless, yet so quick to provide her with the news of my employment status. Can't tell you how much I appreciate my family. Really... I can't. My grandmother went on to say that she didn't understand why I'd quit working, and even though I tried to explain to her that my boss had thrown shit at me, she made it clear that she wasn't approving of my leaving.
Now, not having a job sucked and having to resort to living with my mom was humiliating; But having to listen to my grandmother who I really respected tell me that my aunt had suggested that I was mooching off my mother, because I didn't like to work, sent me off the deep-end. Is this a fucking joke? Did people in my family, really believe that I liked living with my mom, and that I was doing this by choice? Wow. Breaking down into tears, I tried not to get upset with my grandmother, but that was like the straw that broke the camels back. How could she or anyone think that I wanted my life to be this way?
It was then, that I flipped out on her. I said, when I was a kid, I never sat down and said hey, when I grow up, I want to move out of my house at 17 because my mom is mentally ill, and her husband thought it was ok to hit me, with no where to fucking go and give up my dreams of college to get jobs that barely pay enough to cover rent... And then date what seems like a nice guy only to accidently get pregnant, sick and then lose my job, then rupture three discs in my back while helping his grandmother out, before he goes nuts and decides to beat the shit out of me, landing his ass in prison, leaving our daughter and I homeless because I couldn't afford the fucking rent anymore...
Sure my life was fucked up, but I was doing what I could to turn shit around, and I wasn't sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself and whining about it; I was looking for a job, and I'd even taken one that I didn't think I could perform, and ran with it only to have my boss turn out to be a fucking cunt-rag, and throw food at me. Yah I'd quit, but you know what, thats only because I didn't feel like putting up with someone elses shit anymore; I was exhausted. Tired of fucking trying to do the right thing, only to have people treat me with disrepect and act like I owe them something. As much as other people might not think so, I had to a right to be treated with common respect. And I was angry with the way other people were so quick to judge me, because they thought they knew what it was like to have a hard life...
Every day I would get up and put a smile on my face even though life did nothing but beat me down... Trying to forget the fact that I went to bed the night before, dissappointed in myself - Rememering to never give up hope and chase away the urge to slit my wrists when things seemed hopeless. So people like my aunt, and anyone else who wanted to talk shit about me, could kiss my fucking ass because this was the last time I was ever going to explain myself to someone; I was tired of caring about what they thought, when they barely even knew me, and only heard about my life through occasional phone calls from my mom.
My poor grandmother was in tears by the time I finished telling her how I felt; She said she was really sorry that she'd chewed me out and that she could tell I was trying to do the right thing and that she didn't know why things had been so bad, but that she knew that God had great things in store for me, and that he wouldn't let me continue to suffer.
As much as I wanted to tell her that I really didn't believe in God, I simply thanked her.
There was no point in insulting her faith; She had hope for me, and that meant a lot...
05:14 am
Permalink
Saturday, January 22, 2005
" One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a chesire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? Was his response. I dont know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn't matter." - Lewis Carroll
It's one thing to start from the bottom up, but an entire other thing to start-over from behind... My credit was fucked, I had an eviction on my record... and I was being forced to move out of my house because my new landlord wanted to jack my rent up a few hundred dollars a month. Even more stressful was that my health was shitty, and I didn't have a job; How exactly do you find an apartment, when you have money but can't make it past a credit check, and you're only proof of income was about four hundred bucks a month? That's right, you don't.
So I sucked it up and moved in with my mom; As humiliating as it was, I didn't have a fucking choice - it was that or go live in a shelter. My mother was pretty cool about letting me stay with her, but having to do this crushed me; When I'd moved out of my parents' house at 17 because my step father had hit me, I'd been really angry with my mom because she didn't defend me at all... And I'd vowed never to live with either of them again, yet here I was.. years later.. on her doorstep with no-where to go. Under any other circumstances, I would have rather been homeless, or stayed with a friend, but now I had a daughter to take care of, and as much as I wanted to, I couldn't let my pride keep me from accepting whatever help I could get...
This would be the most painful decision I ever made, but eventually, it paid off. My mom who wasn't working would end up watching my daughter for me, while I looked for a job; Although she wasn't very reliable, it was better than nothing. Determined to find work, I sent out a ton of resumes, but for some reason I wasn't getting any responses, maybe because I hadn't worked in so long... After a while, I resorted to beating feet during the day, walking through local shopping districts, talking to vendors and asking them if they were looking to hire anyone, even for part-time. This didn't produce any results, until one day, I did get a call from a very unlikely place...
The woman on the phone said someone had quit on her unexpectedly and she needed to replace the employee in a hurry; She owned a small bakery which was part of a famous franchise which specializes in " cookie bouquets ". She was desperate to fill the position and wanted to know if I was artistic... because she needed a decorator. Laughing I told the woman that I was very astistic, but I needed to be honest with her, I'd never worked in a bakery or anything like it in my life... But my mother had, she was a cake decorator for many years.. Maybe she'd be interested... I mean, I'd love to work for her, but I wasn't sure that I would be the right one for the job. Hearing this, the woman seemed excited, she said, well if my mom could do it, that would be great, but since I'd been the one to apply at her store, maybe I'd come down and try to decorate a few cookies for her and see if I had a secret talent for it. Amused, I told her sure... I'd try anything, if it meant employment.. and arranged to meet her the next day.
True to my word, I showed up; I mean how hard can it be to decorate a fucking cookie? Meeting the woman, I thanked her for the opportunity, and followed her into the rear of the bakery where she pulled out a box of frosting bags and pointed to a sugar cookie that was already decorated. Damn.. that thing was decorated more intricately than the painting of the Mona Lisa.. She said that she wanted to see if I could make another one like it. Looking at her funny I said I would try.. So I sat down, picked up the icing and went to work. Turns out.. Im pretty savy when it comes to welding a bag of frosting- Who'd have ever guessed? The lady was impressed.. she said I had the job and suddenly I was employed. Woot!
This was awesome, I was going to get paid for decorating cookies. Hilarious, but hey, a job is a job and I wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth; Admittedly the position didn't pay very much, but hell, something was better than nothing, and it was a source of income which I couldnt pass up. So I went to work for her; Every morning, I'd get up and frost tray after tray of sugar cookies until my hands were sore. Left alone most of the day, I actually enjoyed working for her; Turns out my boss wasn't around much and there were only two other women working in the bakery, one who would arrange the bouquets, and another who would bake the sugar cookies; Both of whom were extremely friendly, but thankfully not too talkative, and very efficient with their work. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all...
Yeah, it seemed things were looking up for a second; Until the day I figured out why the woman before me had quit. The morning had been going awesome, I'd been flying through cookies, getting pretty fast at it or so I thought- Been working there for a month and only seen my boss a handful of times, because she'd given me a key to the store and asked me to open up shop for her, which I was happy to do. Never expected what happened next; She came flying through the swinging doors which led from the front of the store into the back of the bakery, flashed all three of us who were working filthy looks and huffed through the room to the rear office where she slammed the door. A little puzzled I looked at one of the other women, who whispered oh shit here we go again.. and told me keep your head down. Letting out a little laugh I asked her what's wrong... but that turned out to be a big mistake...
My boss came flying out of the rear office, cussing, and walked over to the table I was at, snatching the tray of cookies I'd been working on, began counting them, and then flung the tray at me, yelling that I needed to pick up the pace. Startled, I stood up and just looked at her, as she demanded to know if I was always going to be this slow, and I was just stupified; Here I thought things were going fine, but apparently they werent. Apologizing, I told her that I was sorry, I didn't realize that I wasn't doing them fast enough, but apparently she wasn't happy with my answer when she abruptly turned away from berating me to go off on the other women I was working with. What the fuck was this lady's problem? PMS? Menopause? Whatever the issue, I was pissed. Wiping the frosting off my shirt, I picked up the cookies off the floor and listened to her bitch at everyone for about ten minutes before it occured to me that she was obviously angry about something else, but just taking it out on us...
Seemingly finished with her rant, she stomped off to the rear office again, and I thought the tirade was over, until she came back out, and started all over again. What the hell was this? Her personal bitchfest? I mean come on.. I'm sure people have bad days, but she'd just thrown a tray of cookies at me, did she really think I was going to tolerate yelling and flying food? Not likely. Waiting patiently for her to stop bitching about how she'd been nice to me by giving me this job, I tried to listen intently to my boss complaining as I noted the face of my co-worker standing behind her who was rolling her eyes and shaking her head; When it occured to me that this sort of emotional erruption was probably a common behavior of my employer. Oh no - This, I had not signed up for. As my boss's shrill voice broke through my thoughts, I listened to her ask me if I needed to find another job...
I couldn't help but laugh; Maybe I shouldn't have.. Maybe that was really the wrong thing to do, but what the hell do you say to someone who is talking to you like youre five years old? Yell back? Wait for her to throw some more cookies? Nah. Don't think so. Standing up, I dug in my pocket, pulling the store key out, and slapped it on the table with enough force to make my boss startle. I told her look, I might have needed a job, but I didn't need one bad enough to put up with her mouth and that I'd be back in two weeks to pick up my check; That she better make sure she had my money then and to decorate her own fucking cookies, because I was going home to take a hot bath and pretend that she didn't just get dark blue frosting all over my shirt. As she stood there with a blank look on her face, the other women I worked with burst into laughter as I picked up my purse and waved goodbye.
Maybe I shouldn't have quit, Maybe I should have gave the bitch a hug or something;
Maybe I was just too sensative.. Maybe in the long run, it didn't really matter...
07:24 pm
Permalink
Saturday, January 01, 2005
" Subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image " - Sidney Madwed
At this point of my life, I might have had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; Even then I could tell you that there was definitely something wrong with me. The nightmares were horrible, so terrible in fact that I could only talk to my best friend about them; I knew it was possible that if anyone else found out about the images which swirled in my head after I fell asleep at night, that they'd be the first in line to petition for me to be locked up in a mental hospital...
In my most vivid and re-occuring dream, I was kneeling on the floor under my parents' dining room table above my ex-boyfriend who was dying. Somehow I was waking up from blacking out, only to see him suffocating... Although I didn't remember doing it, somehow I knew that I was the one who'd wrapped the cellophane around his head, the one who'd found a way to overpower him as he'd done to me so many times before... It was then, that I became aware of the blood seeping from multiple stab wounds in his chest. He was fully clothed, but the dark liquid was forming into numerous pools in the blue fabric of his shirt and it occured to me then that I was holding a knife. Horrified, I realized that his body was jerking; He was trying to gasp for breath but the seran wrap was pulled so tightly across his lips that he couldn't and the only sound which resulted from his involuntary convulsions was the straining of the plastic which fought back against the force of his lungs which were trying to draw in air...
Dropping the blade, I burst into tears and tried to help him. With my fingers, I tried to rip a hole in the see through material pulled taut across his lips like the skin of a drum... Sobbing that I was sorry, I didn't want him to die.. Please don't die.. But it was too late; The plastic was so thick that by the time I tore a hole in it large enough for him to breathe from, his body had stopped jerking, and instead of drawing in air, he let out a sigh... Moritified, I shrieked as realized that he was dead and I watched his eyes turn a bluish white color underneath the cellophane which was bound to his face like cloth swaddling a mummy... Oblivious to the blood, I cried as I pulled him into my arms, and rocked his stiff body as I screamed for someone to help us...
This nightmare would always begin and end the same way, although occasionally there were different variations of what transpired between the start and the finish; In one version of the dream, it was Thanksgiving at my parents house, and while my boyfriend laid dying under the table, beneath the Turkey and the Cranberry Sauce, other people were there, but they didn't seem to care that I was killing him. In another similar dream, it wasn't that they didn't care, it was simply that I was insane, and the people I thought I was seeing in the house, weren't really there, but just the ghosts of memories, I'd seen in the past, which flashed before my eyes as hallucinations...
The worst part of all this was that I would wake from these Night Terrors thinking that these things were really happening; The moment my eyes would open, I would look for blood on my fingers, and feel real tears and sweat soaking my body.... Realize that I'd been sobbing in my sleep. How could I dream about shit like this? What the fuck did this say about who I am?
How does someone live with a subconscious which commits murder while they sleep?
I didn't want to believe that I was insane, but I was starting to feel like I was...
05:34 pm
Permalink
Thursday, December 30, 2004
It was a painful lesson to live long enough to regret getting what I asked for in life;
But learning to forgive myself for ever wanting him, a much longer one...
My resentment towards the courts and their decision was short lived; It wasn't the advocate, the judge or prosecuting attorney who I was really angry with.. but myself. At one point in life, I had asked for all this... When I first saw him, he was the most beautiful man I'd ever seen; I can still remember that moment, what he was wearing, what he smelled like, the desire that crept through my spine as my eyes fell upon him...
When was I supposed to have known better? Was it then? Should it have occured to me as it did now in hindsight, that roses have thorns? He'd been so charming, seemed to have all his shit together... Why didn't I find it strange that someone so good looking would be single? Why had I been so trusting? Should I have assumed something wasn't right? What was wrong with me? Looking back I could see all the signs of disaster which had been painted into the path of our relationship, yet during the course of it, I'd tried to work things out. And what of the day his grandmother told me that he was mentally ill? When she found out I was pregnant, she told me about his other children..That he was violent, and a felon. Why didn't I listen to her? My daughter was so beautiful, and I couldn't imagine ever having an abortion like her great-grandmother had asked me to that day, but I began to wonder... Would that have been better? What sort of life was my little girl going to have - Now she was growing up without a father...
Eventually I would beat myself with thousands of other questions like this... My ex-boyfriend was in prison now, but somehow I couldn't let go of the anger and the frustration which had accumulated inside me during the course of our relationship. Part of me knew that it was over, yet at the same time, I couldn't rid myself of the memories and the hurt. Maybe, I was screwed up mentally... Maybe like my mother...
It was then that I considered going for counseling; Afraid that I might be going insane.
But I never went - I wasnt up for reliving all of this on some therapist's couch...
02:34 pm
Permalink
|
