After all these years, I am still involved in the process of self-discovery.
It's better to explore life and make mistakes than to play it safe. - Sophia Loren

He was laying in the bed, watching me;  There was no sense in being shy. Taking off my clothes, I let them drop to the floor, revealing the satin material against my skin. Self conscious, I forcibly ignored the dread which battered the walls of my stomach, and  as I laid next to him, felt his hands touch my skin, it occured to me that this was very much a mistake - Yet somehow I was consumed by a strange fascination that only onlookers of an accident might understand; I wanted, no I needed to see how things ended... even if it wasnt going to be pretty... even if it confirmed that I was nothing more than an emotional trainwreck who was looking for happiness in all the wrong places...

Studying him, as he explored my body in a very similar manner, it occured to me that he'd no idea that my physical reciprication was purely mechanical; And as his lips met mine, I quietly prayed that he would never taste the sadness that washed over me then.  Here was a geniune, passionate soul above me, who deserved to find someone who'd appreciate his attentive skills as a companinion and lover - and here I was, a selfish girl, lying underneath him, completely unable to find it within herself to enjoy the fruits of it.  How disgusting.. What sort of person was I, to look a man who offered his body to me in a more gentler and steady way then Id ever known and yet, wish he was someone else?  While it was very possible he was doing the very same thing, ignoring reason seemed to finally be its own punishment.

But just as my thoughts resigned to hoping to at least give him physical release
From this entire wicked affair the world exploded before my eyes in my own....