Progress « Freudian Slip

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Progress

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; Some blunders and
absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Honestly, I think I was hoping that Mr. Clean wouldn't call me to make good on my promise to hang out with him again that night; Not only was I paranoid about the woman who'd knocked at his door while I was alone in his apartment earlier that day, which had left me wondering if he had a romantic interest waiting in the wings, but I also felt terribly guilty about the fact that I hadn't spent much time with my daughter in the last 24 hours. When I'd come home that morning my little one was asleep, and I'd left for my Grandmother's house before she woke, only to spend the rest of the afternoon shopping; Although, I wanted to believe that it was ok to have a day to myself, It wasn't easy to escape my maternal instincts which screamed that I should have taken her with me.

Walking in the door of my mothers house, I couldn't help but yawn; Of course my daughter was awake, and sitting in her highchair where my mom was feeding her dinner. Expecting a verbal lashing for being gone so long, I was surprised to see a smile on my mothers face and to hear that Mr.Clean had called; Apparently they'd talked for a while, she commented on how nice he seemed and that he said he would call back but she hadn't heard from him again. This caught me sort of off-guard; My mom had absolutely no idea that this guy liked me, and although she'd seen him around once or twice, I couldn't imagine what they would have to converse over, but I was too tired to inquire about their conversation. Assuming that I was in for the evening, I took over for her, finished feeding the baby and then ran a bath for us both, planning to bathe before getting ready for bed; In fact it was just after I got her to sleep when the phone rang...

It was Mr.Clean; He said he wanted to know if I was gonna come hang out with him; Thinking that I should just call it a night, I said I doubted my mom would baby-sit for me, maybe we should do something another time, but to my surprise my mother butted in, saying she didn't mind. Caught off guard, I didn't want to seem like I was just making excuses, so I said oh, well, I guess I could come over after all. Hanging up, I studied my mom for a few minutes and told her that I probably wouldn't be out late since I was tired, but she said she wasn't worried about it since the baby was asleep; Noting her good mood, and remembering how I'd passed out at Mr.Cleans house the night before, I changed my mind and told her In that case, I might be out late, so she didn't have to stay up waiting for me, I'd just take the house key with me...

Leaving the room, I meant to change out of my pajamas when I practically stumbled over the shopping bag I'd left in the hallway; I'd almost forgot about it, and picking it up, I brought it into the bedroom with me. Pulling the chemise out of the bag, I felt the silky material spill through my fingers and decided to try it on again; It was really too bad that I didn't have someone to wear this thing for, because I liked the way it felt against my skin. This is when I started thinking about Mr. Clean again; Sitting down on the edge of the bed, I was sort of puzzled by the way he kept popping up into my mind. Laying back on the comforter, I stared at the ceiling trying to study his face in my memory, looking for some sign explaining why I wasn't attracted to him, even though I wanted to be; When I found myself comparing all his physical qualities to that of my ex, I was damn near floored...

Fighting back tears, I tried to erase the memory of my ex's warm brown eyes from my mind... What the fuck was wrong with me? Why the hell did I think of him everytime I came near another man? How was it possible for me to hate him so much, and to wish to never see him again, yet I couldn't escape the flashbacks of the way I'd felt when we first met, the taste of his skin, and the warmth of his body against mine... The guy was a fucking piece of shit, and he'd hurt me so much, but here my own thoughts were betraying me and craving his touch... Almost naseous, I wiped the tears spilling from my eyes, when it finally occured to me that I was wrong. It wasn't really him that I missed; It was the feelings I'd once had for him. The craving, the desire... The feeling of being wanted... The shimmer of electricity which climbed through my spine as I closed my eyes and succumbed to a slow caress of fingers drawn against my flesh...

Sitting up, I found myself staring in the mirror; Wondering how I was ever going to get past the anger and the hurt that swirled in my chest, when I noticed that I was still wearing the chemise.. As the silky material brushed softly against my skin, I decided not to take it off...

If I didn't leave now, I'd never go; Throwing a pair of sweats on over my white shift
I slipped on some tennis shoes, threw my hair in a ponytail, and left out the door...

04:38 am


	Lyly February 12, 2005 12:54 PM PST memories = bittersweet torment.


	~justme~ February 12, 2005 04:16 PM PST Ditto what Lyly said.


	sharkbait February 12, 2005 11:42 PM PST just when you think those memories are gone, they come back and bite you in the ass...sheesh.... ohhh...hope you had a fantastic night though... winks


	J f Z February 13, 2005 03:31 PM PST From a man's perspective :: If he talks to your mother, and has some clue as to the importance and history of your child, and he still thinks you're a friggin' hottie and can't get enough of you -- then he's worth the gamble of your heart and any regrets you might incur. I honestly wish and hope the best future for the two of you -- because from my personal /here/ -- it looks quite promising ;)


	Joyce February 14, 2005 08:17 PM PST life has this tendency to tease


	Khali February 16, 2005 01:05 PM PST Ooh, how did it turn out? good/bad? I hope it was good!


	scott February 17, 2005 11:00 AM PST I hope 'Mr Clean' is just a pseudonym. You can't take a mrclean to be your lawfully wedded husband. Enjoying your writing...the sense of drama...what happens next???


	loz bianco February 28, 2005 02:25 AM PST Hey hun GOD! I have a lot to catch up on...i.e Mr Clean! So yes...I'm off to do that!


	starlight March 2, 2005 01:53 AM PST How did it go??? He seems very keen on you! I hope you found the happiness you deserve.

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